The Bible presents the Church using beautiful and
glorious word pictures. The Church is the body of Christ, which shares in the
perfections of her head (1
Corinthians 12:20; Ephesians 1:22-23; Colossians 1:18).
She is a building that is built on the firm foundation of Christ (Ephesians 2:20).
She is also called a radiant bride, loved and purchased by the blood of the Son
of God (Ephesians
5:25; Revelation 19:7-8). These images are not only beautiful but
reassuring. They, in a sense, present the Church in an attractive and alluring
manner. That said, one does not have to stay long in a church to notice that
beauty and glory are often a distant illusion. It’s in the church that many of
us have experienced profound hurt.
The
Church Is The People
The church is not the building or its programs. It is
the people. And as we all know, people are often messy and hurtful. Hurt people
hurt others.
If you are reading this and you belong to a
local church, there’s a good chance you’ve been hurt before. This could be
through neglect in time of need or some form of nasty treatment—actual or
perceived. The reality is that by joining a group of sinners,
you are almost guaranteed to be hurt in some form or shape.
Thus, part of our sanctification is to know how to deal with hurt
and the hurting among us.
Sources
Of Hurt
These hurts come from various sources or in different
forms. The first and most apparent is inter-personal conflict. These
conflicts and quarrels come because of selfishness and sinful desires in our
hearts (James
4:1-3). Unless they are dealt with biblically, these conflicts have a
way of breeding hurt and will soon affect a congregation (Philippians 4:2). Divisions
about doctrine, practice, or ministerial philosophy are also a source of hurt.
Those who ‘lose’ the battle will often be marginalised or hounded out.
Another source of hurt in the church is abuse. This
comes in many forms. Some have experienced manipulation from false
teachers or leaders who are intoxicated with power. Sadly, we have even
seen cases of sexual abuse. Another common source of hurt is the
wrong expression of church discipline as well as how we respond to it. Going
through such experiences will leave one emotionally and mentally
hurting. Many of us have scars to show for it.
Two
Tempting Reactions To Hurt
When one has experienced any of the above hurts, or
others, two reactions are instinctive.
The first is to retreat and let the pain
simmer inside. These people harbour hatred and bitterness or
resort to self-pity. They will often abandon the local church altogether
because they cannot stand the pretence and hypocrisy. They figure
they are better off alone. In some instances, they may have tried to
voice their frustrations, but they were not heard.
The second reaction is to attack. Wounded people are
often a danger to themselves and others. For we naturally desire to get
even, and take the offensive. There is a desire to pay back and
put people in their place. Hence, malicious slander and gossip ensues. But this
sort of conduct is not befitting of God’s people.
Whatever the reaction, whether retreating or
attacking, we must remember that these reactions, though instinctive, are
not biblical. In many ways, followers of Jesus must live counter-intuitively
to their nature. One of the ways we can be set apart, demonstrating
holiness, is in how we respond to hurt.
Make
Christ Your Example
In order to respond differently to hurt, we
will need the example of Christ before us. For the Son of God came down to
earth to live among and die at the hands of the people he had created. What is
even more remarkable is that at the very moment they were crucifying him, he
was sustaining their lives and dying for their sins.
Therefore, Paul writes: “If there is any encouragement
in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any
affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the
same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish
ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than
yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the
interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ
Jesus” (Philippians
2:1-5).
How To Respond to Hurt
With Christ as our example, contrary to the ways in
which we instinctively react to hurt, I will conclude with four biblical
responses.
1. Pray
One of the
hymns we sing as a church family asks the following questions: “Are
you weary, are you heavy-hearted”; “are you grieving over joys departed”;
“do the tears flow down your cheeks unbidden”? The refrain, and the answer, is:
“Tell it to Jesus”. We have an all-knowing, sympathising high priest who
cares for our needs and knows about our struggles. Dear hurting Christian, cast
your cares on the Lord (1 Peter 5:7). Tell him how you feel. Ask for grace and
humility to handle the matter in a way that honours him and loves others.
2. Confront
If someone has sinned against you, we have a Christian
responsibility to point out the error of his or her ways lovingly so
that they may repent (Matthew 18:15-20). This is part of our responsibility of
growing one another. When we develop a healthy culture of confronting sin with
the goal of reconciliation, we will, in turn, build one
another up in our faith. It is through confrontation that those who are wolves in sheep's skin are exposed and expelled. It is worth noting, that failure to confront is disobedience to God's word and simply enables and encourages those who hurt others.
3. Forgive
Whenever a group of sinners comes together,
it is guaranteed that they will offend and hurt one another. One sure
way churches can live in harmony is by ensuring that we forego our
rights to demand retribution. Instead, we must cultivate forgiveness and
grace. Resist the temptation to hold grudges and harbour bitter
anger.
4. Patience
Change is a process. Individual Christian faith and
maturity grow slowly. It takes time. This is also true of the broader
Christian community. Therefore, as we pray, confront and forgive one
another, we must exercise patience. Paul exhorts Timothy to teach
with all patience (2 Timothy 2:24). As we deal with frustrations and hurts
within the church, we must heed the instruction to bear with one another.
Note: This was first written for the Gospel Coalition Africa blog.
https://africa.thegospelcoalition.org/article/how-not-to-respond-to-church-hurt/
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