15 Marriage lessons from 15 couples

There are endless discussions about marriage in the church and the culture around us. Different voices try to answer questions like the purpose and meaning of marriage, the roles in marriage, the secrets to a happy marriage etc. it is safe to say that we are generally in love with the concept of marriage, but we are not quite up for the challenge and the hard work that marriage requires. Many of us have been primarily influenced by the fairy tale stories of marriage and the Hollywood fictional portraits of undisturbed bliss and unceasing romance in marriage.

Knowing the hard work marriage requires and the many lessons people learn in marriage, sometimes the lessons are learnt the hard way, I asked a group of couples to share one lesson they have learnt in their marriage. Here are the 15 lessons the couples shared. 

1.     I have learnt to love unconditionally irrespective of the situation 

2.     I have learnt to consciously remember that my husband and I are on the same team whatever game life brings along 

3.     I have learnt to be more gracious in speech, attitudes and deeds towards my spouse knowing that God has been too gracious to me as well. 

4.     I have learnt to be patient and tolerant.

5.     Admitting and confessing my wrongs - Admitting my imperfections does not mean am a failure, but means that I am human and willing to accept my humanity which leads to a growing marriage. 

6.     I have learnt that communication is key - once there is good, honest, timely communication in a marriage, a lot of misunderstandings are avoided. 

7.     To be humble and honest 

8.     To be accountable fully and entirely in everything to another person. 

9.     I have learnt to forgive my friend as Christ has forgiven me, for we are both sinners and imperfect. 

10.  To maintain a deep love and underlying connection with each other despite surface differences or disagreements. (Staying on the same team no matter what). 

11.    I have learned to practice forgiveness towards my spouse and using prayer as one way of resolving issues in a godly manner.

12.   Privately praying for him and praying and studying God's word together helps us to grow together.

13.   To communicate with each other openly when there is a conflict and to not delay that communication, even when the issue might seem small. 

14.    I've learnt that a disagreement (no matter how huge) doesn't have to mean the marriage has ended. You can argue and still work things out & live happily thereafter. 

15.   I have learnt never to forget that my wife and I are redeemed sinners prone to wonder. This helps me to learn to forgive and forbear with her wrongs.

What are your lessons?

Engaging in Theological Debate and Remaining Christian

Theological debates and differences have always been part of Christianity throughout its history. In a sense, disputes can be necessary. Done well such discussions can provide clarity on issues that have not been clearly articulated by the church. One can think Athanasius and Arius on the essence of the Son in the third century or Luther and Erasmus. Furthermore, people stating what they believe invariably leads them to say what they do not believe and as result lines are drawn.

It is also worth noting that debates are often not done well. People respond to disagreements differently depending on their levels of maturity. Theological debates often cause immediate strong emotional reactions. Some become aggressive and hostile, others defensive and others sceptical. The rise of social media has changed the dynamics of debating in our day. A lot of the discussion is characterised by poor reasoning, half-truths, slander and downright arrogance such that it is not a debate, but people talking past each other or merely interested in listening to themselves. So how should we engage in theological debate in what is often a toxic environment? Al Martin gave some wise counsel in a talk on dispensationalism in March 2011. Here are the four points of wisdom, followed by my brief explanations.

1. “We are under a solemn obligation to receive as brethren all who hold to essential saving truth.” 1 John 3:14 calls to love those how have believed in Christ for the forgiveness of sins. They are brethren. Martin argues that we should differentiate between a theological novelty, theological errors and heresies.

2. “We are under a solemn obligation not to bear false witness, even amid theological debate.” Integrity requires that we fairly represent the views of others by quoting primary sources and in context. Mispresenting other people’s beliefs reflect our sinful heart. Do not claim someone said something based on what another person posted on social media. If you are going to criticise what another person teaches, make sure you have actually read or personally heard what they teach.

3. “Separate personalities from principals. It is possible to love and hold a man in high esteem while disagreeing with his principals”. It is possible to disagree with a person lovingly and graciously way. We should not buy in the notion that disagreeing with a person means that i.) You hate them or ii.) You have to attack and slander them.

4. “There are various expressions of most theological positions. In addressing a position, it is important to remember there are various strands to a position.” There are positions within a position, often ranging from extreme to moderate. It is therefore essential to present people’s view accurately and not lump them to a doctrinal position they do not hold.

There is a difference between having a theological debate and being quarrelsome. And just because we disagree over an issue does not mean we should be malicious and defamatory. And common decency depends that before you wade into the open waters of the theological debate, you must be knowledgeable about the subject. Otherwise, you become a noisy gong. As they say, empty drums make the loudest noises. Dear Christian “have nothing to with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord’s servants must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. (2 Tim 2:23-24)

MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT PRAYER

Prayer is hard work. And there are several reasons for it. Firstly, we are not naturally inclined to surrender and declare dependence. Well, praying is precisely that it is begging. It is a Christian as a child going before God the Father and acknowledging inability while affirming God’s ability. Secondly, we like doing tangible, visible things about our situations and prayer does not in our mind seem like doing something about issues. Thirdly, we complicate prayer. We have turned prayer into some mechanical and at times overly technical act that is rehearsed and repeated without much thought or meaning. These and many other issues compound to form all sorts of misconceptions about prayer. In preparing to preach a sermon on prayer, I asked people to share some misconceptions about prayer that they have come across. Here is the list with some brief explanations.

1.      Prayer should be formal & full of memorised phrases

We should not mistake reverence for formality. Yes, you can have a prayer in a formal meeting, but we should not treat God like He is a God of the elite. And yes in a conversation we often repeat words and phrases, but we should not mistake the memorisation of poems, other people’s prayers and theological terms for piety. Praying is talking to God, and that is in the language that you ordinarily use. 

2.      We must give long prayers

In line with the formalisation of prayers is the notion that the longer the prayer, the more spiritual you are. It is not sinning to give long prayers, but it is not a mark of spirituality either. Have you heard the story of the brother who was asked to give thanks for the food and went on to wax eloquently about persecuted Christians and missionaries on the mission field! 

3.      Focus on the posture

Whether you sit, stand, knee or sleep, your position does not enhance your prayer. 

4.      That we can command God or give permission

There is a breed of theology that struggles with a dependence that they turned prayer into an act of giving God permission to do something in your life. This level of arrogance is alarming. 

5.      You have to speak in tongues to pray

God can hear whatever language you speak. And besides, the Spirit gives gifts to whom He pleases. 

6.      The louder you are, the more powerful the prayer

God does not have a hearing problem, but you might after you are done! 

7.      You have to close your eyes

We are not commanded to close our eyes, but it may be prudent. 

8.       A fellow man can be your advocate

There is only one mediator and advocate, and that is the man Jesus. Though we are to pray for one another. 

9.      You need to have a sensational feeling for the prayer to be heard or effective

We are a generation driven by emotions. Prayer is talking with our God, and yes, it involves the mind, will and desire but that does not mean that every time you pray you to feel a sensation. 

10.  That prayer is just for asking for material things.

Or that prayer is all about asking. Have you had a relationship where every time the person is talking to you, they are asking for something? Dear Christian, we have spiritual as well as physical needs, we should have a balance in our conversations with God.

The list of misconceptions could go on as they are many. My point in all this is that the more complicated we make prayer, the harder it becomes and the less enjoyed it becomes. Let us learn from the simplicity and honesty of the Psalmists in their conversations with God.

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathise with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Heb 4:14-16