Every year the newspapers publish divorce records for the
various provinces, and the numbers are alarming. Marriages are breaking, and I
would not be surprised if there are many more that are hanging on to their
marriage simply because of the shame and humiliation of going through a divorce
but if they had their way they would have bolted years ago. I am sure there may
be plenty of reasons but let me offer six.
Planning for the
wedding & not the marriage
Weddings have become more lavish and commercial with each
passing year. The amount of effort, time and money devoted to the event as
compared to the effort committed to investing in living together as husband and
wife speak volumes. It has become so bad that one primary indicator for the readiness
of marriage is your ability to finance a wedding!
If only people realised that a wedding is for a day and
marriage is for a lifetime. If single couples invested more time, energy and
money in building their spirituality and understanding God’s purpose for the
marriage if only they took extra care to understand and prepare themselves for
their roles, marriages would thrive. Alas, all that is merely a distant dream as people are so
preoccupied with throwing the biggest, craziest and loudest party ever and when
the party is over, they are looking for the exit door because all they planned
for was the wedding and not their marriage. So when they wake up the next day
the couple has no clue what to do with each other.
The wrong emphasis on
traditional counselling
Our traditional counselling on marriage has some general ethical
principles such as respect, care, hygiene, faithfulness, providing and
intimacy. However, for the biblically informed Christian, the teachings pause several
challenges. One of the challenges it causes is that it has a wrong emphasis,
the learning is done through symbols, and the problem is the symbol is emphasised
more than the principle. I.e. a lady will be taught to respect her husband, but
the stress will be on the symbols of respect such kneeing, calling your husband
“Ba” etc. this encourages conformity without joyful transformation.
Wrong purpose of
marriage
It is scary to hear the reasons people want to get married. Most
feel I have reached an age for marrying, so I want to get married. Most men get
married because they need someone to cook, sweep and wash for them. And of
course, marriage gives you the license to have sex. These views of marriage are
primarily self-centred and self-serving. So when you have people entering into
marriage motivated by what they will get out of it they are bound not last in
it. Going into marriage to use your spouse is signing yourself up for utter
misery.
Inside the marriage
with eyes on the exit door
Some people enter marriage with leg out and an eye on the
exit door. It’s like they are just trying things out, and if anything goes
wrong they are ready to hit the exit door. Hence your language of “I am
leaving” or “you leave”, “you think I cannot leave without you”. Marriage is a
solemn covenant that should not be entered in lightly. A marriage can never
thrive when people have an eye on the door.
Unbiblical conflict
resolutions
Regardless of how much you love each other, the conflict
will be part of marriage. Two sinners coming together are guaranteed to sin
against each other. The issue is how they handle the dispute. Sadly, most
marriages are characterised by unbiblical conflict resolution. Some people go
silent, others blow up, yet others negotiate or play tit for tat. However, the
couple that thrives and grows is one that confronts, confesses, forgives and
forsakes sin. Couples who are proud and never acknowledge sin and ask for
forgiveness or who harbour bitterness and refuse to offer forgiveness are bound
to break the marriage.
An abandonment of
biblical values
Lives not walking in the ways of Christ, make marriages
built on sinking sand and families whose foundations cannot stand. Many couples
are Christian by name, but their Christianity does not translate into a
lifestyle. These are couples who appear holy at church and yet are wicked at
home. The biblical purpose of marriage, the biblical roles in marriage and the
biblical oneness in marriage are all abandoned.
Whenever men try to reinvent and abandon God’s design and
purposes, the result is catastrophic. Marriage and the home have been under
attack since Genesis 3 and Christians must strive to be light in their
marriages by living God’s way.
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