Popular and Unbiblical views on Marriage

PLEASE NOTE: This is my last blog on this site. You can read and follow the write-ups here https://www.chopomwanza.com/post/popular-and-unbiblical-views-on-marriage
When a couple is on the verge of a wedding, much preparation goes into the big day. Top on the list is the various forms of formal and informal counselling. People are generous with their counsel, whether solicited or not. In many ways, it is a blessing to be loaded with counsel from other people's experiences. That said, some of the counsel given is shallow and outright unbiblical but sadly popular. Here are five advice a bride and groom will most likely hear that should not be entertained.

    1. The man's unfaithfulness does not break the marriage.

This is, in fact, a proverb in one of our local languages: "Ubuchende bwamwaume tabutoba ng' anda

". Young women are, in essence, taught to expect their husbands to be unfaithful. This starts off the marriage with high levels of mistrust. 'A man is a man', some would say. This thinking is straight from the pit of hell. The marriage bed must be undefiled and kept holy. It speaks to the moral decay of society when unfaithfulness is not only expected but also encouraged.

    2. The wife keeps a marriage.

In our culture, the woman is blamed for a failed marriage and a broken home. This kind of thinking began in Genesis 3 when Satan usurped the man's responsibility in the marriage. By approaching Eve, Satan was making a subtle but deadly move to ignore Adam, the husband. Thankfully, God calls out Adam and squarely places the responsibility where it lies in man. Headship is equal to responsibility. A failed marriage and a broken home reflect the man's leadership.

    3. People can steal your spouse.

This is often a warning to young women to be wary of female siblings, friends, house helpers, and her husband's female workmates because they can snatch or steal your spouse. The problem with such a line of thinking is that it strips the man of any form of responsibility. It portrays him as an innocent person who, for some strange reason, is powerless to the aura of anyone in a skirt! A grown man cannot be stolen unless, of course, he is kidnapped at gunpoint! A man or woman who falls into a sexual affair does so willingly[1].

    4. A marriage cannot succeed without traditional counselling. 

This is a hot issue in most churches and among Christians. The general thinking is that a marriage cannot work or succeed without the couple undergoing traditional counselling. It is, therefore, sadly common to find Christian parents find non-believers to teach and prepare their children for marriage. In a way, that is a Christian parent saying to the world; I am not equipped to prepare my child for marriage. However, dear Christian parent, marriage is God's idea, and He has laid it out in His word for us. The scriptures are sufficient.

    5. Oneness only refers to sex.

Our traditional counselling can be explicitly sexual. Besides, the common reason for marrying seems to be sexual satisfaction. Therefore, the understanding of oneness seems to be primarily physical, while emotional, spiritual and mental oneness is not encouraged. Now, while it is true that sexual union in marriage is a blessing, oneness is broader than just physical union. An overemphasis on the physical union and neglect of the other aspects leads to frustration and joylessness going through the marriage relationship's motions.

    Conclusion

I am convinced that these and many other popular but unbiblical counsels of marriage have contributed to a very negative view of this most wonderful of unions. Marriage requires work and effort but is not meant to be a chore. It should be built on the truth of God's word if it is to be a blessing to those who enter into it lawfully and willingly.

The Grace to Serve and be Served

Recently, I have been reflecting on a famous hymn, "The Servant Song", better known as "Brother, let me be your servant". It was written in the 1970s by a man called Richard Gillard. Though the song has been altered over the years, Matthew 20:26b- 28 provides the primary scriptural background for the song; it reads;

"…but whoever decides to be great among you, let him be your servant. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave—just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many."

Many believers thrive on the idea of servanthood. Christ himself calls us to servanthood. He came not to be served but to serve. I will leave this here for now and let it simmer while I move on to my next thought.

In the book of Ephesians, the Apostle Paul writes to the Church at Ephesus, now a combination of Jews and Gentiles who have believed in Jesus Christ and are now in him because of his finished work on the cross. Among other things, Paul instructs them on how they should live their lives due to their coming into the fold of God. In chapter 4, Paul prays they walk in unity as a body. He further highlights God's many different gifts that the body is blessed with so that the saints can be equipped and edified and grow in unity, faith, and the knowledge of God.

In reflecting on the servant song, chapter 4: 11-16 caught my attention. It says;

"And He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ, till we all come to the unity of God, to a perfect man, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ; that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting, but speaking in truth and love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head-Christ from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love."

Among other things, this passage screams Service! Service! Service! We serve one another in unity to achieve a goal: glorify God. We joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, to the effective working by which every part does its share. In this picture, every part uses its gift to serve in the body. Serving other believers and ultimately serving God.

There have been two points of reflection for me;

1. Brother, let me be your servant; if Christ himself, the head of the body, came not to be served but to serve, who am I that I should not serve within the body of Christ? The Bible asks believers to serve one another and do their part in the body of Christ according to the gifts that the good Lord has blessed us with. Imagine what it would be if every single part of the body did its share as described by the Apostle Paul. Right now, we are plagued with one-eyed, one-armed, peg-legged churches going about handicapped because there are parts that remain idle as if they have yet not met Grace. May God give me the grace to do my part wholeheartedly.

2. I pray that I might have the grace to let you be my servant, too; this is interesting. The last time I mentioned this to someone, they gasped. So, if everyone is going around serving everyone, everyone should be giving and receiving. It's such a joy to serve others and equally a joy to be blessed by someone's service. There are a lot of people who turn down service from others in the name of being a "servant", being "polite" "a battle of the service as it were. The "no no no, I can't take this", or the "you take the seat, no you sit, no you sit" battle, or turning down an offer of help with chores, watching the kids, or running errands so you can rest. The examples are endless. We can all think of a time when we needed some kind of help, but we turned it down or were too afraid to ask. Sadly, sometimes, our need to be the perpetual "service providers" denies us the opportunity to be blessed by the service of others who would like to partake in the blessing of serving. It takes humility to be on the receiving end. To be in need, accept help, and ask for help. Why should this be uncomfortable?

The Church is a body. We are meant to depend on each other, to rely on each other. We are meant to all do our part, whatever our area of gifting is, whatever love compels us to do. We are pilgrims on a journey; we are brothers on the road. We are here to help each other, walk the mile, and bear the load.

Note: This post is written by my wife, Kunda Mwanza. 

Four Pitfalls to Avoid When Choosing a Church

Last week, I shared what to look for when choosing a church to join. Choosing a church to be a member of is one the most important decisions a Christian makes, and it should, therefore, be made wisely. The most important reason is that membership is essential to the health and growth of the believer. This week, I would like to share some pitfalls people fall into when deciding on a church family to join. 

Looking for Perfection

Moving Churches can be difficult for various reasons. In some ways, leaving a church can sometimes feel like a divorce (and it should), such that joining another is like moving on after being ripped from a relationship. With that comes the temptation to seek perfection due to comparisons (good or bad) or a consumer mindset. Remember, the church is the people, and people are not perfect (much like you). Churches are not perfect because people are not perfect. There are shortcomings, and there are areas of growth. So, you look for progress, not perfection. 

Delaying the Decision

Some people look for a church the way they do their shopping. They check Shoprite, PnP, Game, and Choppies and then go to Chisokone market, then decide to wait until the kwacha gains against the dollar for them to buy online. All in the effort of looking for an ideal buy. It doesn’t exist! Be clear on what to look for in a local church and make a decision. Taking months and years to settle on a church in a place is, at best, being indecisive and, at worst, being disobedient. Further, the longer you prolong the decision, the more you develop unhealthy habits and patterns for yourself and your family (if you are a family person). 

Ignoring the Distance

Proximity to the church premises and the church family is easy to ignore. This is, in essence, a practical outworking of one’s understanding of a local church. A biblical view of a local church will affect your decision regarding proximity, either by how close the church premises are or where you live. Gathering and fellowship with your church family should not be hectic or a hustle. Your distance should not be why you fail or struggle to faithfully attend and participate in church life. When you think about it, people factor in the distance to work or school; sometimes, they shift to be closer to their school or workplace. Again, this is an implication of one’s understanding of what a church is and membership demands.

Wanting Special Attention

The slogan for one of the bread companies in our city says, “It’s not just the best; it’s far beyond the rest.” Sometimes, I feel like churches would like to use that to lure ‘customers.’ When churches package themselves as brands and market themselves like business entities, they begin to attract, well, consumers. One way the consumer mindset plays out is in the way people want special attention or, should we say, customer care. Joining a church because it gives you the special attention you desire is not the most helpful thing for your soul. They either simply want to grow numbers, and it is very clear that you are high up in society or rich! With that said, churches should be loving, welcoming, and hospitable and should have a genuine concern for your spiritual welfare. Such that, they will have no problems if that takes place in another congregation.

Dear Christian, when choosing a church family, choose wisely and decisively.

 

Five Considerations When Looking for a Church

There are several reasons that people find themselves in situations where they have to choose a local church to which they want to belong. It could be because one has just recently become a Christian and realise they need to belong to a church. Or maybe one relocates to another area, so they must find a new church family. Sometimes, it is for theological or philosophical reasons that people feel the need to move on to another church. Whatever the reason, choosing a church is an important decision a Christian can make. Here are some helpful questions to consider.

1.       Is the preaching and teaching faithful to the scriptures?

The word of God is central to the health and spiritual vitality of the Christian. Therefore, the faithful and consistent teaching and preaching of the scriptures in a local church is non-negotiable. A serious child of God will ask if the local church they want to join is serious and committed to preaching the word. Is the word of God read, explained, and applied to people’s lives, and is it handled with seriousness and reverence? How do you know if the word is preached faithfully? For starters, the preachers and teachers read and explain the truths from the Bible. You can follow along and see the truths from the texts as the teaching and preaching are going on. You are often instructed, rebuked, encouraged and corrected. In the process, your own ability to handle the scriptures grows. So you ask, does this church teach and preach the word faithfully, accurately and consistently? Will I be fed God's word or man's opinions?

2.       Will they hold me and my family accountable?

Does this group of people pursue one another, and are they committed to developing relationships with each other? Are they concerned for your spiritual well-being? Are they committed to your growth and holiness, and do they encourage and exhort you to be committed and consistent? Do they lovingly confront and confess sin? Will the members call out sin when you live inconsistently with your profession of faith? Will they check up on you when you are absent? And will they persist in their confrontation if you are unrepentant? Disciples of Jesus Christ are committed to one another and are compelled to hold each other accountable in their walk with the Lord. A church that will ignore or tolerate your sin or lack of commitment is not good for your soul. A healthy family of believers is committed to loving one another and building one another up in the most holy faith.

3.       Are they committed to evangelism and church planting?

The marching order of our Lord and Master is that we make disciples of Jesus Christ. A church that is committed to Jesus Christ is committed to proclaiming his name and obligated to share the gospel with the lost. They will reach their community and will take the gospel to other areas by planting churches in areas where the gospel is needed. Such a church will often be welcoming people through baptism. A church that is not committed to gospel proclamation and church planting has drifted from its mission.

4.       Do they have a healthy view of leadership?

The Lord Jesus has appointed shepherds to lead his people; these are called elders (other terms used to refer to the same office are bishop-overseer and pastor-shepherd). The Bible calls these men to lead faithfully, humbly and selflessly, and it admonishes the congregations to submit to their leaders because they will give an account to the Lord. In a healthy church, the elders are viewed as fellow members. They are not an elite group of men with special access to the throne of grace. Further, their authority over the congregation is in so far as they teach and preach God’s word. They lead by example, and they exercise oversight over the flock the way a shepherd would tend to the sheep. 

5.       Do they encourage every member to serve?

Another aspect to consider when looking for a local church is whether or not the members are encouraged to do the work of ministry. In other words, service is not limited to the leaders. But every member is encouraged and equipped to use their gifts for the edification of the body. Biblical Christianity calls for every member of the body using their gifts and resources to be a blessing to fellow believers and reach out to none believers. And that’s one of the things you should be looking for in a local Church. 

With that said, we must be weary of treating looking for a local Church like shopping at the mall. So here are three final thoughts;

1. No one local church is perfect, because people are not perfect. Every local church has it’s struggles and areas of growth. It is therefore important that you do not look for a local church like picking the best product. 

2. Avoid making decisions primarily based on personal preferences or based on what role(s) you might play in that Church.

3. Do not delay the decision or prolong the process of deciding on joining a Church. It is an important and urgent enough decision, so make it! 

Three Considerations for Young Men Desiring Ministry

One of the exciting developments in the kingdom of God is the number of young men who are desiring and pursuing pastoral ministry. The growing number of theological institutions and the planting of new churches are but two testaments to this development. Much can be said and shared about this crop of gallant soldiers of Christ. But today, let me share three considerations with them.

1.       Love and be content with the ordinary nature of the church

Church life is ordinary, routine and quite unspectacular. The planning, the studying and meetings are the same. The people, the programs and the preaching are all ordinary. The questions asked, the conversations had, and the struggles faced are the same year in and year out. A young man not content with plugging into the ordinary life of a local church will be discontent with the ordinary nature of pastoral ministry. The church is made up of ordinary people who faithfully and consistently do ordinary things in ordinary ways, enabled by the extraordinary grace of God. To pastor effectively is to embrace the ordinary nature of the church and ministry.

2.       Genuinely love and zealously pursue people

The church is the people. Not the building or the program. It, therefore, goes without saying that ministry is about people. All kinds of of people. Pastors are shepherds, tending to the flock (people), and will give an account for every soul (people) under their care. To be a pastor is to love people genuinely and pursue them. Young men who are waiting and wanting to be pursued or receive attention will struggle with the nature of pastoral ministry. As John Piper famously reminded pastors, “brothers, we are not professionals.”

3.       Love the word

Paul exhorts Timothy to continue in the scriptures, for they are profitable. He charges him to rightly handle the word, to commit it to others and to follow the pattern of scripture. The minister of the word must love the word. He must be a diligent and devoted student of the word. He must also live out the word in his own life so that his progress will be evident. It is common to see young men love theological discussions and debates ( primarily from reading theological books or listening to podcasts or conference talks. And there is a place for all this), but that is not necessarily the same as loving, studying and growing in the word. Those who study the word will no doubt get grounded in sound doctrine, but they will also grow in their love for the Father and will progressively change in the likeness of Christ. As D.A Carson rightly put it, “The aim of thoughtful Christians, after all, is not so much to become masters of scriptures, but to be mastered by it, both for God’s glory and his people’s good.”

 

Five Considerations for Marriage Seekers

 It is a challenge to get an accurate pulse on our society these days. There was a time when Zambian culture was clearly defined and easily identified. However, our society is a mixed pot of worldviews and cultural practices that it is now made up of all kinds of concoctions of principles and practices. One area in which this confusion has become clear is marriage. Gone are the days when marriage was honourable. Desiring marriage is not as commendable as it was. Many people want the glamour of the wedding but not the grind of the relationship. They desire the rewards but not the responsibility. It is such a society that most single people find themselves in. Here is some counsel to consider.

 Desiring marriage is a good thing

It is right and honourable to desire marriage. God ordained it, and it is He who created us with the desire for marriage. One ought not to be ashamed when they desire marriage. Churches and homes should encourage young people to think about and long for marriage. This encouragement should be done without putting undue pressure on them; however, they should be rightly challenged about marriage. One of the prayer points for church prayer meetings should be for suitable marriage partners for the singles in the church. 

 Pursue spiritual growth

While you desire and long for marriage, pursue spiritual growth. Invest in your holiness and walk with the Lord. Seek to know Christ and serve Him with all diligence daily. Apply yourself to the spiritual disciplines of Bible study, prayer, fasting, fellowship, evangelism, service etc. This is important because holiness is essential to a successful marriage. A marriage of two ungodly people is bound to be a miserable one. In many ways, the will of God is often revealed when we are devoted to him. The best gift you can give your future spouse is your spiritual growth. 

 Know what marriage is

Ignorance is dangerous! It is even worse when you think you know, but you do not know. Many single people think they know what marriage is and what it takes to make a marriage work. They have a view of marriage developed from popular chick flicks, soap operas and the trends on social media. However, all those are not the right sources of knowledge. Study what the Bible teaches about marriage. Read Christian books on marriage and learn from godly Christian couples.

 Be clear about your goals & standards

Set your standards, live them out and do not compromise. One has to be very clear about what they want in a marriage partner. What are the non-negotiables and negotiables? The non-negotiables should be foundational matters, a testimony of salvation, a healthy growing member of a church, a clear vision in life and a willingness to resolve conflict biblically. On such matters, there can be no compromise. Beware of majoring on the minors.

Pursue discipleship relationships

The Christian life is to be lived in community. Salvation brings us into the family of God, and that is made visible through the local church. You share life with them and help each other grow in Christ-likeness. As someone seeking marriage, consider developing relationships with some couples in your church. Learn from them, and let them provide accountability for you. This is very important. You have not walked the road of marriage before, therefore learn from those who are ahead of you. 

 Pray

Pray for the Lord to teach you joyful contentment in your singleness. Pray for your purity and endurance to fight temptation. Pray for a suitable marriage partner and wait patiently. Ask others to pray with you and for you.

 Marriage is good, and those who long for it desire a good thing. However, marriage though beautiful is not a walk in the park. It takes work, patience, humility and grace to make it beautiful. It is, therefore, important that those who desire marriage are well prepared for it.